Had a dream that I was at the airport.

At first it was very weird , it's a dream where good superhero vs villain. So basically , the good guys have to defend some VIP from being killed by the baddies.

Meh , nothing much , the civilians (including me) have to evacuate the airport because duhhhh.

But something happened.

I saw my dad. My late dad to be exact. He was wearing a yellow polo shirt , short pants and a slipper.

I saw him walking away from the airport.


From this exact moment , I realized that I'm in my own dream. I'm aware that I'm in a dream.

I was about to wake up , I can feel it but I hang on to my dream , try to really really focus it and not to let this chance slip.

A chance for me to run towards my dad and get closer to him..

So that I can hug him really-really tight. And I did.

I ran to him. He was far but I still hold on to my dream. I get closer and closer.

I hug him really tight. Hug like there's no tomorrow. I really miss him.

I know that it's a dream but ... it's good to hug my dad again.

More than just a friend

"Yeah I know but I know you longer ermm... I mean I know him longer but I know more about you than him."

Overhaul my life

I actually don't know what to say.

It's been a roller coaster week.

I was at my lowest peak and my highest peak ,  mentally.

I was afraid. I was frightened. I was sad. I was happy. I was jealous. I was envy. I was a bad person. I was a good person. I was shy. I was not shy... .. 

...every single characters of me , happened in a week.

It was really tiring for me , having to constantly changing to different character over and over again.

Soon I realised that , I've seen a perspective from each of my characters in a short amount of time.

I could see the strengths and weaknesses of each characters.

I now know that how bad a person I'm recently, compared to who I'm five or six years before.



A boost of ego to protect myself, end up not accepting any new people to be part of my life.

Being more extrovert to prove myself , leaving the kindness of "introvertness".

Doing something for my own satisfaction without hurting/affecting other people, abandoning ethics all together.

Using hatred to learn from the past, end up being depressed every weeks....




I've soon realized of how horrible I'm. It just so horrible... I'm sorry...






Something happened. A feeling that was like no others. A feeling that was long forgotten.

A soft , peace , and warm feeling...... love...

A heart was once hard, was softened.

A heart was once dull and black , was brightened.

There's no better word to explain this feeling....

The feeling that makes my heart soft enough to actually make me cry.

I knew that I can't cry no matter what but.. how? How? How can I cry? Crying is pretty much impossible at this point but... how?

How did she make me fell in love again?

An affection that is strong enough to kill the other side of me.

An affection that is strong enough to make me change myself to be a better person.





This is a chance for me. This is a chance for me to improve myself. To make my self a better person.

This is a chance for me to complete overhaul my life.

and... to go back to my old self , the innocent cunt...







My heart is still soft up to this point...... The strong affection from a single person..

Whenever I see her, it remind me of a feeling...

A feeling which is almost the same as being home....

My mind was cleared, leaving a room for warm and peace.

It's been a while since this happened.....

and today it happened again...


Thank you for everything. And thank you for the warm feeling.





I love you.



End.

8:48 PM , 25 October 2017.

Loneliness

Where should I start.

Things started to go back to 2012 all over again.

I'm quite lonely , but I'm used to it.

-4:47 AM , 26 September 2017

More ranting

Gosh , this is like 2010 all over again. I guess the wheel has turned.

-2.33 AM , 23 September 2017

More Rant

I don't know what to say to be honest. There's nothing much to say but rather than ranting it all in my head.

What am I to them actually? Did I actually did something?

I mean what's the point of me trying hard when in the end , everyone just gonna leave you anyway.

They din't care about me at all. They din't show the same effort as I did. But what the fuck ever. I still have life to live. I still have a dream to chase. I'm just gonna leave everything behind and fuck it all.

-2.47 AM , 21 September 2017